I want to stop being a useful person.
I am tired.
I don’t even want to explain thoroughly why I am feeling this way. I just do.
I’m tired of being so useful.
I am useful because I speak three languages.
I am useful because I can make videos.
I am useful because I can hold a leadership position in the local church.
I am useful because apparently I can communicate very clearly.
I am useful because I am using my talents to teach.
But.. would I be a loveable person if all these things were stripped away? What if I could speak only one language? What if I couldn’t make videos any more? What if I couldn’t be a leader any more? What if I couldn’t communicate myself clearly?
Would I still be me? Would I be loveable?
The weight of my responsibilities weigh me down. There is not an ounce of strength left in me. It’s not like I don’t enjoy all my responsibilities. I cherish them and I know I am learning so many valuable lessons. But my strength is running thin.
I’m tired of meeting people.
I’m tired of attentively listening to everyone.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of the things they confess to me… more so because most of the people who tell me their sins don’t turn away from them. (Although every now and then, when there is one who does, it’s like a breath of fresh air and I can’t help but think, “Lord, if even one will end up turning away from their sins, I want to be an open ear to whoever you put upon my path.”)
I am tempted to analyze exactly why or how I came to be in this position. But I won’t. God can heal in logical ways, and He can heal in different ways. I don’t need to analyze every problem I have in order to get to the healing. God heals. Not my logic; not my analysis; not my understanding. God does.
And now that my strength is non-existent, I realize that God had been already telling me to cast my burdens upon him. When people put the weight of their sins, I cast them upon the cross. When my responsibilities overwhelm me, I cast them upon Jesus. Jesus has paid the price. He is the one who redeems.
Though my responsibilities weigh me down, they won’t crush me. Though I am without strength, I know Jesus is my strength. So I die, and Christ lives in me. Jesus, live in me. Shine through my weakness. I am weak. I can’t go on another day being a useful, tired person. That’s why I ask You to take Lordship over my tired body and soul. So that people may know that Eli is not controlled by Eli but by the living God… and that Your name may be exalted. I am Your vessel, to do Your bidding. Use my everything for Your kingdom. I am not a useful person. I am Yours.