Tired of Being Useful

I want to stop being a useful person.

I am tired.

I don’t even want to explain thoroughly why I am feeling this way. I just do.

I’m tired of being so useful.

I am useful because I speak three languages.

I am useful because I can make videos.

I am useful because I can hold a leadership position in the local church.

I am useful because apparently I can communicate very clearly.

I am useful because I am using my talents to teach.

But.. would I be a loveable person if all these things were stripped away? What if I could speak only one language? What if I couldn’t make videos any more? What if I couldn’t be a leader any more? What if I couldn’t communicate myself clearly?

Would I still be me? Would I be loveable?

The weight of my responsibilities weigh me down. There is not an ounce of strength left in me. It’s not like I don’t enjoy all my responsibilities. I cherish them and I know I am learning so many valuable lessons. But my strength is running thin.

I’m tired of meeting people.

I’m tired of attentively listening to everyone.

I’m tired of carrying the weight of the things they confess to me… more so because most of the people who tell me their sins don’t turn away from them. (Although every now and then, when there is one who does, it’s like a breath of fresh air and I can’t help but think, “Lord, if even one will end up turning away from their sins, I want to be an open ear to whoever you put upon my path.”)

I am tempted to analyze exactly why or how I came to be in this position. But I won’t. God can heal in logical ways, and He can heal in different ways. I don’t need to analyze every problem I have in order to get to the healing. God heals. Not my logic; not my analysis; not my understanding. God does.

And now that my strength is non-existent, I realize that God had been already telling me to cast my burdens upon him. When people put the weight of their sins, I cast them upon the cross. When my responsibilities overwhelm me, I cast them upon Jesus. Jesus has paid the price. He is the one who redeems.

Though my responsibilities weigh me down, they won’t crush me. Though I am without strength, I know Jesus is my strength. So I die, and Christ lives in me. Jesus, live in me. Shine through my weakness. I am weak. I can’t go on another day being a useful, tired person. That’s why I ask You to take Lordship over my tired body and soul. So that people may know that Eli is not controlled by Eli but by the living God… and that Your name may be exalted. I am Your vessel, to do Your bidding. Use my everything for Your kingdom. I am not a useful person. I am Yours.

A picture I took a long time ago that makes me happy when I see it. I'm putting it just because it makes me happy. No logic! (I really am tired...)
A picture I took a long time ago that makes me happy when I see it. I’m putting it just because it makes me happy. No logic! (I really am tired…)
Advertisements

6 Comments

  1. Dear Eli…first making sure I can post since I am not a member. Uhm…I tried and worked.
    Jesus says come to me you all who are tired. Check you are tired and there are founded reasons for it. Then, take His word and rest.
    God gave us talents and abilities through the fact that we are his creation and His children. You are Eli…your abilities and talents are part of you. If you didn’t have those particular talents, you would have others. So, let’s be grateful. I am and I praise the Lord for who you are.
    God wants you to use those talents to serve Him and others. Check, you have done and are doing it…Did he say you wouldn’t get tired…nope. Here you are…
    Tiredness due to your hard work is natural. Tiredness because some people don’t see God in you is something that you cannot control. Let the Lord work in those people’s lives and show himself through you.
    Keep resting in Him and shining for him.
    Un abrazo

    Like

  2. Hey Eli! Saw your post through Nadia’s wordpress.

    I just really wanted to say this:
    You are not useful to God.
    You are loved.

    Your qualities are not only assets.
    Your qualities are gifts given to you to share when you are fulfilled in God.

    You are not only made to be emptied but to be filled, my friend.
    Filled to the brim and then to overflow unto others. If you have been drained, maybe it’s Biblical to take a Sabbath and immerse/soak into God?

    You make me think of the apostle Paul. He was very used by God in founding many churches, however, I cannot imagine Paul without the his writing in Ephesians 3:14-19 grasping the immensity of Christ’s love and filled to the brim with God’s love.

    I’ll be praying this passage over you, Eli 🙂

    Love,
    Sena

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s