People wish me to get better soon. I do too.
But there’s no one to just be in the midst of my sickness with me. (I don’t even mean that I need someone to nurse me and take care of me in my sickness.)
I mean that there’s no one to just be there with me through it.
*Very advanced mind connection about to happen with something that has nothing to do with my physical sickness*
Perhaps this is what I’ve been missing when I listen to other people’s struggles: to listen to the hurt beyond the words. And be with them in the moment. To see their “sickness”, and while hoping for their healing, not making that desire overshadow the person I have currently in front of me.
To break it down:
People want to see healthy Eli soon. I do too.
But right now, I’m sick, sleepless, confused Eli.
“Oh, Eli, how sick are you? Are you ok? Is there anything you need? Have you gone to the hospital? What did they say?”
I don’t know how sick I am. All I know is that my doctor suggested I get hospitalized twice and I rejected the notion twice (because quite a few people told me that Korean doctors just tell you to get hospitalized for no apparent reason). I know that what I have is called tonsillitis and bronchitis (as a complication of my tonsillitis). But even more basic than this, all I know is that my throat hurts and I am spitting tons of phlegm and my breathing is a bit lagged. These are the realities I know.
I do want to get well soon and I am thankful for the millions of suggestions of what I should eat, drink, how I should rest, how I should move, what I should do, what I should not do… but I’d just like someone to see and acknowledge sick Eli: just as I am. Not bright nor useful nor pretty. Just sick Eli. I’m not sure what I mean by this, but in my sickeness, I’d like to just be seen. And maybe just be kept company. Like, just hold my hand and be still.
I hope and pray I won’t forget these thoughts the next time I see someone physically or emotionally ill. Because the hurting and aching in the world sometimes just need a silent companion to acknowledge their current existence and their importance at that very moment.