Do I give off the vibe of being the kind of girl that will most likely remain single?
Apparently I do. (And I think I must agree.)
Because I haven’t had a boyfriend yet, people seem to assume I have no interest/too little interest/out-of-reality-expectations in the opposite sex.
While it was true that I didn’t want to get married for a long time (until I was twenty-four-ish, but God changed my mind and now I do find marriage desirable), that didn’t mean I wasn’t interested in men, and still am.
If I remember correctly, my interest in boys started when I was about 11 or 12. That’s when I had my first crush. And after that, I have had my share of crushes, but nothing more than that.
Life was alright this way.
That is, until I turned 25.
Once I hit 25, people started being genuinely concerned about my singlehood as though there was something wrong with my personhood.
Mixed recommendations/questions I have been getting since I was 25:
“Guys don’t like girls who know too much. Even if you know, pretend like you don’t.”
“You need to put yourself out there. Experiment and date!”
“You gotta be more active about this.”
“Why haven’t you dated? You really had no boyfriend until now? You gotta lower your expectations.”
“Why don’t you try wearing more femenine stuff? And make-up?”
“If you are too confident, guys are intimidated by that.”
“You are getting a bit old for this. You need to get married to understand the heart of God.”
All these comments (as well-intentioned as they were) made me think:
- According to these miscellaneous comments, in order to be considered attractive to the general guy-public, I need to change the whole infrastructure of who I am.
- I don’t know how to and don’t want to drastically change the way I think, dress, and behave for the sake of earning an audience with the general guy-public to see if I can catch one (Go Fish!).
- As it is, it seems that the way I am is not the most attractive/appealing/approachable to men. (Evidence: I haven’t gotten a direct love declaration since I was 12.)
- In view of these things, my chances of falling in love and someone falling in love with me seem narrow.
Another reason I find it hard to think of falling in love and someone falling in love with me is that I have analyzed and categorized how I perceive boys think of me:
- Intimidated: Once I open my mouth and speak of things that truly matter to me or that I am curious about, I can see it in their eyes: ‘This girl thinks too much’ or ‘What the heck is she talking about?’ or ‘Imma try to laugh this off or change topics’ (These people end up being acquaintances.)
- Respect me (존경하다): Boys start seeing me as a wise grandmother. They might listen to my wisdom every now and then. They listen intently to things I say, but there are no “omg-you-so-attractive” in their eyes. (These are the people that end up being very good friends.)
- Label me wrongly: This is the group of guys who decide to label me with a label they had decided beforehand and try to impose it on me in some way or other. That label is usually something simple, but that can annoy me greatly. (For example, as a skinny person, there are times when I love eating and times when I don’t. And I have always wanted to gain at least three to four more kilos. And some dudes will say things like, “Are you not eating because you want to lose weight?” or “What? Are you not eating because you want to look good in front of me?”) (These are the people I do my best to avoid hanging out with.)
I am open to the idea of dating.
I am open to the idea of courting.
I am very open to the idea of marriage. (I want to get married, if God allows.)
However, I am not open to the idea of wasting time, effort, and emotions.
As a teenager, I once wasted a lot of time, effort, and emotions in what I later realized was infatuation. Infatuation is being in love with the idea of what this relationship or person could be. When I realized this, I was extremely regretful for having spent so much energy on something that wasn’t real.
That’s the thing. Even if it’s a tiny bit of attraction, I want it to be real. I don’t know if I have put up too much of a cold front or if no one has ever pursued me passionately, but either way, I have never had a real mutual attraction.
Many times I wonder what it’s like to be pursued because someone sees you as you really are. Because to be honest, there were a few feeble attempts from guys almost pursuing me. But I could tell from the way they talked to me that they were not attracted to me; they were attracted to the idea of me (and the same for me in the numerous crushes I’ve had). Thus, those feeble attempts ebbed away without any confessions to be said. Better this way (I hate emotional complications).*
As a strong thinker, I mostly always need to think about my feelings. And as a woman INTJ, eros love is the hardest thing for me to understand/process. So I inevitably act in ways that aren’t pleasant and predictable in the “attraction period” people go through.
Add to this the fact that I would be willing to marry only a guy who is genuinely in a relationship with God through Jesus Christ, who loves and seeks God with all his heart and mind, and who practices obedience in faith in the small and big things.
Bottom line: for those who are genuinely concerned about my singlehood, just pray for me. I enjoy singlehood and am planning on enjoying marriage if it does come my way. Either way, I have life given to me by God.
I sincerely believe that if I ever do go out on a date, have a boyfriend, and marry, it will be miracle (and answers to your prayers 😉 ).
*Ok, so this thought had inevitably led me to think of how Christ is the Groom and how He relentlessly woes and pursues His Bride, the Church, of which I am a part. So even if I am never genuinely pursued by a guy, I genuinely believe I won’t be missing out in life because I am pursued by the King of Kings. I couldn’t fit this thought in the flow of the blog so I’m writing it here ^^