[Facebook Note Archive from January 5, 2015]
On Sunday, I woke up feeling particularly bummed out. Without consciously thinking about it, I was feeling like an “island”. I didn’t know what I wanted from people, but I knew I wanted someone to continuously tell me something nice about myself; I was hungry for getting something from someone, but because this wasn’t being satisfied, my emotions were feeling very isolated and uncared for. On days where my thoughts and emotions start like this, I now automatically ask God, “Lord, guide my emotions, and You are God. You are beautiful. What you made is beautiful.” So I prayed something along those lines, hummed a few hymns, and went to church still feeling terribly unlovely.
Throughout every part of the service, I could see how God was so willing to answer my prayer. As we sang, I realized once again that it wasn’t going to be my carefully thought-out scheduling that was going to make me a more loveable character, or an effective Kingdom Agent. It was not by my might, not by my power, but by the Spirit of God. The only way to not commit habitual sins is by the Spirit of God. The only way to worship God is by the Spirit of God. Then the sermon came, and it reminded me of how important it is to keep the unity of the Body of Christ. This, in turn, reminded me that my purpose for fellowship shouldn’t be to receive something from others, but of giving out of the abundance of what God keeps pouring out to me. Thus, by the end of service, I was a grateful child. God had spoken yet again very simple, powerful, and living words into my weary soul.
As I headed out of Hyoam chapel, I was determined to not be so self-focused, which had encouraged my “island” thoughts in the first place. Instead, I wanted to just be “me” in Christ, which meant that I would genuinely be glad to meet my brothers and sisters for no other reason that because they are my brother and sister.
As I greeted them, I was surprised when most people noticed my haircut. I was even more happily surprised when along with the amazement came a compliment. Then I ended up having an impromptu lunch fellowship with some dear friends. Every part of that Sunday, after being sanctified by Abba’s Word, was joyful.
I just looooove how every single time, God patiently waits until I stop kicking and screaming, and then gives me what I really needed. Had I received compliments on my hair before this, I would have ended up relying on people for a feeling of comfort and loveliness. Because I had already been filled by God’s love by the end of service, the things that happened afterwards were an added bonus that made me want to praise Him all the more.
It is God’s kindness that leads me to repentance. Every. Single. Time.