People usually comment on my “holiness” and oppa’s (my brother) going off on a completely different direction.
So I wanted to write this to say that I was worse off than my oppa; going off on a completely different direction from holiness. The only reason I’m standing here with an intimate relationship with Abba is because of His grace.
Ever since I can remember, I learned “you shouldn’t, steal, lie, drink, smoke, or have sex before marriage” at church. And I realize that for me, these things were never actually a temptation. So I remember thinking, ‘But.. I don’t steal, I don’t lie. I like telling the truth. Drinking and smoking just sounds stupid because you are harming your own body. Sex before marriage doesn’t make sense because you are risking too many things for the sake of momentary pleasure.’
But I also heard at church that we ALL sinned. So in my child-teenage mind, I realized I couldn’t say “I don’t sin”, yet I couldn’t identify myself with any of the ‘standard-child/teenage-sins’ nor did I feel tempted to try them out. So I panicked because I couldn’t think of a single way in which I sinned. After sermons and Bible studies, I went through the list: did I steal? Lie? Drink? Smoke? Nope. None of the above. But, I must have sinned somehow! But.. it’s not on the list. Does that mean I didn’t sin and have nothing to repent about?!
And because I couldn’t see how I sinned at all, this is how I entered a more dangerous realm of sin: the Pharisee’s World of Sin. My sins were easily hidden because they weren’t visibly obvious.
I was proud, judging, and without mercy on others and myself. I was miserable. I was like the Pharisees: I judged, I was proud, I was without joy, but on the outside I was a “good” girl.
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Being a Pharisee is a wider road of perdition compared to that of the prostitute, the sick, the orphans… because the lowly are closer to acknowledging the need of a Savior in the midst of their apparent neediness. A Pharisee thinks he’s abiding by the law and looks great on the outside, and doesn’t see the need of a Savior.
It is the Prodigal Son’s brother who didn’t understand nor embrace the father’s heart until the end. The brother thought he had to slave away for his father in order for him to treat him well and give him his inheritance; not knowing that all along, his father wanted to freely give and share everything with him.
Have you thought of how sad it is to have your own son misinterpret you and tell you “I’ve been slaving away for you”?
I was that brother.
I was Martha.
So close to Jesus yet not understanding nor receiving the love and care he was so freely giving to those who asked; to those who stopped to listen.
Our biggest sin is not lying, having sex outside of marriage, drinking excessively, smoking, stealing.
Our biggest sin is our relational separation from Abba. Every sin flows from that broken relationship.
By God’s grace, His law is now written in my heart. I am filled with joy and am constantly humbled by His mercy. I can’t judge myself or others as I did before because God has revealed to me my sin and His grace. If my Creator doesn’t judge me, who am I to judge?
There is no one, whether the ‘holy kid at church’ or the ‘trouble kid at church’, that is righteous; all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and all are justified freely by his grace through redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
A closer look into Eli's special thoughts 