한국어로 시를 써봤습니다.
A Korean poem about the importance of empty space.
Translates something like this:
The joy
that an empty space gives
is
Freedom.
여백
Month: July 2023
The Desert and Healing Season (2017-2019)
2017~2019 is probably one of the toughest seasons I went through–specially because it had a lot to do with uprooting deeply seeded idols I wasn’t even aware of. I compiled excerpts from my 2017~2019 posts that recorded the journey of healing God took me through and added/edited a few things to give it a more cohesive flow.
2017 in one word: Lonely.
Although I am back in my home country (Argentina) with my family, I haven’t felt this lonely since 2009.
Main reason: no community or fellowship as I had in Korea.
Still, in this loneliness I discovered God more intimately.
Thus, I am grateful for this lonely, desert year.
Seeing that my depression and loneliness was not getting any better, mom strongly supported the idea of me traveling for a few months. And that seed of an idea started out what I call my:
<2018 Healing Trip>
Part 1: United States
JOY AND ELAINE: Met up with Joy and enjoying mega-quality time with Elaine ♡ Yet… I have been struggling with the idea of taking such a long trip because I felt as though I was spoiling myself. Why couldn’t I ask my questions and do my exploring without breaking my piggy bank? I found the answer in a simple whisper from reading the Old Testament: The exodus from Egypt to the promised land, which could have taken about two weeks on foot, took forty years for the Israelites. However long it may take, however many resources I may exhaust, I want it to draw me closer to my Maker. The forty years in the desert weren’t a waste or an extravagance, and I pray that this trip won’t be either as well. [Funny side story about joy: right before I left Argentina, I shared with my students how I struggled with joy (because we were going through the fruit of the Spirit). And then I talked with my cousin, and he said he felt I was lacking joy. And finally a few days ago, I met up with Joy! It’s just so funny that God literally gave me the chance to meet up with Joy… as if it’s a symbolic way of assuring me I will meet JOY during this trip?]
THE HWANGS: My brain cells/neurons haven’t been working very well in terms of remembering names, recollections, and making important connections. This is why it hit me only a few days ago how it would be a great idea to contact a dear family I know was living relatively close to NY as I am visiting here. And just seeing them, joking with them, and hanging out with them for a few hours made me think (again) how much I appreciate having them as part of my spiritual family. Although I was super late (and not very efficient) in communicating with them, was about two hours late due to missed trains and confused foreigner me, there was only joy, love, and grace when they met me. And, as if to seal the deal, mother and daughter gave me precious impromptu gifts for my travels: some essential oils that help with all kinds of traveler-related well-being and a beautifully wrapped snack for me to munch on in the plane. God is good ♡
Part 2: Swiss L’Abri (Summer)
Two months in L’Abri learning to get in touch with words like joy, pleasure, and desire with God.
Part 3: Korea
Now, three months in Korea to start acting out of the fullness of joy. (What better way to start than meeting up people I love? Pictured below are three of my dear cousins.)
This trip is the wildest (and longest) trip so far. It is a constant inner battle between ” being efficient and responsible” and “being joyful and enjoying.” I hope to reconcile these and let them know they don’t need to be enemies.
Part 4: Swiss L’Abri (Winter)
2019 Winter L’Abri so far in a nutshell: beautiful and diverse in its people, landscape, and God’s way of communication. Grateful.
Prologue of Healing Trip:
Winter L’Abri 2019 has ended and so has my unintended 9-month-trip. I have learned to feel more, hug more, and express more. My default mode is still to think and analyze first, but through countless experiences and conversations, I do believe my robotic mind is slowly yet surely approaching emotions and feelings on a whole new level. Uncomfortable much? Yes. Yet good? Yes.
My dear friend Dodo drew this beautiful picture you see above. And I believe it describes me, my situation, my calling so perfectly. In her words, “You are kneeling on a street of a place that has been destroyed, weeping and praying. It seems like there’s no hope that this messy world could be reconciled. But in praying and in using your reason, God starts to build His kingdom in you and with you–His great vision of healing the world through us!”
Trip ended: March 2019
Two Little Friends
Two delicate friends
Dropped by my windowsill
Were you traveling together?
Or did you meet here casually?
Sorry for cutting your trip short,
It was not my intention to retain you
But you do look so cute!
Side by side,
Stuck together,
For better or for worse
아빠 and Me (진지 version)
From June 13, 2019 Insta Post:
When I left Argentina a year ago, I was at a standstill-dead sort of relationship with my dad. I shared how much this saddened me and frustrated me with many people. I also shared how God kept telling me to just let it die. I hesitantly obeyed, and I came back to Argentina without expecting anything out of this father-daughter relationship. And wow. I am amazed at how much God has been working in my heart and my dad’s heart separately. I’m not saying we have a perfect relationship, but we have some sort of relationship building in such a subtly enjoyable way that I cannot help but praise God for His love, mercy, wisdom, and compassion for us.
“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” – Isaiah 43:19 ESV
From May 27, 2020 Insta Post: (edited)
I have been learning to honor and respect the earthly father God has given me. Because of past choices dad made, our family admittedly had a hard time. Yet once my dad met God relationally, I realize the Word has slowly but surely been transforming him in amazing ways. Now, it’s such a miracle to examine my heart and see the depth of love and respect I feel for him. Without knowing how or when, we started building a solid relationship, and it is solid because it is built on Christ. I no longer want to spend time dwelling on the past and counting it against him (though I will not stop acknowledging that it was a hurtful past). I love how at peace I can be in his presence. To just enjoy each other’s presence. He is far from perfect (still watches way too much YouTube and Netflix), but I love how he responds to my silly and serious inquiries, how he never gets mad at me for laughing at him (and posting silly pictures of him), how he still thinks I look like a teenager, how he shares what Christ is doing in him, how he admonishes and encourages me so genuinely.
From Nov 26, 2020 Insta Post
우리 아빠는 내가 같은 나라에 안 살고 있으면 몇년동안 연락 안 할수 있는 분이시다. 옛날에는 이것 때문에 너무 서운하고 아빠가 원망스러웠었다. 하지만 아빠의 상처들을 더 알게 되고 아빠를 더욱 큰 마음으로 보기로 결심했을때부터 보이기 시작 했다: 아빠 마음속으로는 나를 많이 아끼지만 표현을 잘 못할 뿐. (이게 괜찮고 좋다는게 아니라 상대방의 관계적인 한계를 인정 한다는 뜻) 가끔씩 내가 전화 해서 영상통화 하면 아빠 표정에서 느껴진다. 너무너무 내가 사랑스럽고 반갑고 좋다는걸.. 옛날에는 내 상처와 내 관점에서만 생각해서 아빠의 사랑과 정이 별로 안 느껴졌었는데 이제는 다르다. 아빠는 옛날에 비해 많이 성장 하셨고 더 이상 성장 안 한다고 해도 나는 아빠의 한계에 대해 서운해 할 필요가 없는거다. 왜냐하면 아빠의 부족함에서도 나를 사랑한다는 마음은 전달 되고 있어서다. 그 마음을 못 봤던 내가 오히려 더 부끄럽다.
My Pineapple and I
Bewilderment is the true comprehension. Not to know where you are going is the true knowledge… I [God] myself [will]…instruct you by my word and Spirit in the way you should go. Not the work which you choose, not the suffering you devise, but the road which is clean contrary to all you choose or contrive or desire–that is the road you must take. To that I call you and in that you must be my disciple.
-from Bonhoeffer’s “The Cost of Discipleship”
As I shared in my previous post, I often feel like I’m floating in the middle of a vast ocean with only a pineapple to cling to (imagery borrowed from a good friend of mine) when considering what I should be doing in the next few years.
It comforts me greatly to know that people like Bonhoeffer wrote something similar to my friend’s pineapple imagery. It comforts me greatly to know Father Abraham “went forth from his father and not knowing wither he went. He trusted himself to [God’s] knowledge…” It comforts me greatly that great prophets like Elijah didn’t know where their next meal was going to come from and had to depend on a widow for their meal as they were guided by God’s Spirit. These and many not-so-“wow” stories hidden everywhere in the Bible comfort me and let me know it’s okay to not know how my life will pan out. This state of bewilderment is okay. It’s not just okay, it’s true comprehension and true knowledge because there’s God’s comprehension and knowledge that is covering over me and guiding me. It is the work HE chooses, the suffering HE allows. It is to this that I am His disciple.
Originally from May 2, 2019 Insta Post. Added a lot of my current thoughts.
Sense of Direction
Many times I wonder if I’m headed towards the right direction in life.
‘Am I being too lazy? Do I need to be busier than I am? To what purpose?’
‘Do I need to do something radically different if I want to get married? If so, what is it? If not, is it okay to keep going on as I am doing now?’
‘If I ever want to adopt children, what are the things I can do now to get me there? Should I look for a better paying job?’
‘What is the church? Is our church headed in the direction of a healthy church? If not, what does it mean for me and my church?’
These and many other series of questions make their dwelling in my little brain here and there. A good friend of mine once said something like this:
“It sometimes feels like I’m floating in the middle of a vast ocean with only a pineapple to cling to.”
And I feel that more often than not lately.
Where can my pineapple and I head towards if I want to get to land?
What direction is the right direction?
While I may never know the specific answers to my 29,301,948,342 questions, I put my weary head to rest in this: God is sovereign.
I am never strong enough to mess up God’s plans for humanity nor for myself. I will probably make lots of wrong turns as I seek God’s good and pleasing will for my life, but the possibility of making mistakes doesn’t paralyze me because I know God is God.
A closer look into Eli's special thoughts 