설렘

IMG_20180810_151940.jpg
감정이랑 친해지며 설렘을 느끼고 있는 엘리. ㅎㅎ

하나님은 나를 설레게 한다.

나도 모르게 감정을 무시하며 살았었고
하나님을 감정적으로 오해했던 게 한두가지가 아니다.
하나님께서는 내가 설레는 것에 대해 기뻐하시는데…
그래서 실컷 설레고 있다.

요즘에 영상으로 설렌다.
특히. 나는 영상 편집에 설레고
의미.의도.스토리텔링을
고민하고 풀어가는 걸 좋아한다.
생각만 해도 설렌다.

요즘에 자연을 볼때마다 설렌다.
색상.아름다움.다양함.
다 안 그래도 되는데
하나님은 모든 것을 섬세하면서도
장대하게 만드셨다.
우리가 보며 설레라고.

요즘에 관계를 맺는 것에 대해 설렌다.
오래 된 친구들과 관계가 더 깊어져 가는 게 설렌다.
사실 새로운 사람을 만나고 싶어 하지 않지만
새로운 사람을 만나는 것에 대해서도 설렌다.

인생이 이렇게 설렐 수 있구나.
30살에 설렘을 가득 느끼고 있는 오늘. 감사하다.

Advertisements

오늘의 신기반기 김치찌개 (feat. 돼지고기)

오늘은 돼지고기가 들어간 김치찌개가 당기는 날

 

집에 도착하니, 오! 김치찌개 냄새

오빠가 끓이는 김치찌개 냄새가 좋음

 

잠깐! 밥은 있나?

밥 솟을 열어보니 오! 충분히 있네

오빠 나도 먹어도 돼지?

오빠한테 말 한다: 나 오늘 김치찌개 엄청 먹고 싶었음

 

오빠가 살짝 웃으며 고백한다:

귀찮아서 음식 시켜먹을까 하다가

오늘 인생 처음으로 김치찌개 만들어봄

오늘 밥 1인분 하던 내가 2인분을 하기로 함

오늘 돼지고기가 마침 냉장고에 있었음

그래서 만들었음.

 

내가 말한다:

위에 누군가가 나를 생각해 준건가?

오빠도 살짝 웃은 듯 끄덕 끄덕

 

엄마가 집에 온다.

김치찌개의 이야기를 들려준다.

엄마도 이 김치찌개에 관련이 있다고 한다.

엄마가 돼지고기를 샀고

대부분 냉동 칸에 넣은 고기를

귀찮아서

냉장고에 보관 했음.

 

엄마가 냉동 보관 했으면

오빠는 고기를 발견 못 할 수도 있었고

김치찌개를 포기 할 수 있었고

 

오빠가 처음부터 귀찮아서

음식을 시켜 먹을 수도 있었다.

 

그런데 딱 오늘은 그러지 않았다.

너무나도 신기한 오늘의 맛 있는 김치찌개였다.

(그래서 점심.저녁. 두 끼를 김치찌개로 냠냠)

 

하나님이 섬세하게 생각지도 못한

김치찌개의 선물을 주셨다.

 

이렇게 섬세하신 하나님을

성령 충만함으로 더욱 더 체험 하고 싶다.

내가 좋아하는 음식으로만 말고

사랑하기 힘든 사람들을

하나님의 섬세함으로

배려하고

용서하고

섬기는

내가 되고 싶다.

 

고마워요 하나님.

 

Your kindness always leads me to repentance.

Today’s kimchi chigae just spoke deeply to my heart.

I eat this physical and spiritual food and ask You to fill me with Your Spirit.

When I had a place of my own…/Cuando tenía mi propia casa…

[En castellano abajo]

When I had a place of my own, I loved having people over; especially girls who needed some time out from studies, girls who felt like didn’t have a place they belonged, girls who needed a place to stay, or anyone actually. I loved opening my home and doing my best to make them feel at home. The more guests I had, the more I developed a knack for knowing how to make them feel comfortable. I rejoiced when my guests were comfortable enough to sleep a nap in my living room or when they grabbed themselves things from the fridge or tea table without asking permission.

For some reason, there is one anecdote that sums up how happy I was with how comfortable people were in coming to my house. One time, I got home and discovered chocolate and ice-cream cone crumbs on my floor. I looked in the trash can and I found chocolate ice-cream wrappings. I looked in the freezer and saw two ice-cream cones. I called out to see if my roommate was home, but she wasn’t. What a mystery. My roommate wasn’t the type to buy that kind of chocolate ice-cream. When she came home, I asked her about it. She said she hadn’t bought it.

Later on, we found out that a dear dongseng R (girl who is younger than me) came over to my house when my roommate and I were not there. So, she let herself in (I let many girls know the password to my house), and waited for us a bit. She had brought three chocolate ice-cream cones to share with us. Since we weren’t coming, she sat on our easy chair and ate her ice-cream by herself. When she was done, she left our ice-creams in the freezer and left.

The image that stuck in my head was cute little R sitting in my living room, peacefully finishing her ice-cream as she waited for us, and I was glad she could just come and do her thing in my house even though I wasn’t physically there.

These and many other stories made me think that I was a channel of blessing to them. But, as I was doing the dishes today, I realized what a huge blessing they were to me! Allowing me to share into their lives meant they were sharing their lives with me! Now-a-days I do a lot of housework by myself; there is no one to converse with or to listen to. I miss doing the dishes or sweeping my floor as I listen to laughter and conversations, or girls lining up asking how they can help clean up, or girls being comfortable in the silence as they wait for me to finish whatever chores were at hand.

Conclusion: They were a blessing to me for coming and sharing, opening up, eating, cooking, washing dishes, sitting on my cushions and bed, relaxing, crying, and laughing. They shared parts of their precious lives with me, and I will forever be grateful and humbled for having had such wonderful visitors in my home.


 

Cuando tenía mi propio apartamento en Corea, me encantaba ser anfitriona. Venían chicas que necesitaban un descanso de los estudios, chicas que no tenían donde ir, chicas que necesitaban hospedaje, o cualquier persona que quería un tiempo y espacio de descanso. Me encantaba abrir las puertas de mi casa y hacer todo lo que podía para hacerlos sentirse como en casa. Cuando mis huéspedes se sentían tan cómodos como para dormirse una siesta en mi sala, o cuando se agarraban cosas de la mesa de té o de la heladera sin preguntarme, me alegraba el día porque sabía que realmente se sentían como en casa.

Hay una anécdota que resume lo mucho que me gustaba que la gente se sintiera como en casa en mi casa. Una vez, llegué a casa y pisé migajas de cucurucho y pedacitos de chocolate. Me fijé en el tacho de basura y vi que había papelitos del helado. Me fijé en el freezer y había dos helados iguales que el del tacho. Que misterio. Mi compañera de piso no compraba ese tipo de helado. Cuando vino a casa, le pregunto si fue ella quien lo compro. Me dijo que no.

Después de un tiempo, dongseng R (quiere decir chica que es más joven que yo) vino a casa cuando nosotras no estábamos en casa. Se dejó entrar por si misma (les había dada la contraseña a varias chicas), y nos esperó un rato. Había traído tres helados para comer con nosotras. Ya que no veníamos, se sentó en mi silla cómoda y se comió su helado. Cuando terminó, dejó nuestros helados en el freezer y se fue.

Y esa es la imagen que se me quedó en la mente. Mi querida R sentada en mi living, cómodamente comiendo su helado mientras nos esperaba. Me hizo muy feliz saber que podía venir a mi casa, hacer lo suyo cómodamente hasta cuando no estaba yo presente allí.

Por medio de anécdotas como éstas y muchas otras, yo pensé que era un canal de bendición a esas personas que pasaron por mi casa. Pero, mientras lavo los platos hoy, me doy cuenta de que ellos fueron un gigantesco canal de bendición para mí. Permitirme abrir mis puertas hacia sus vidas quiere decir que ellos estaban compartiendo sus vidas conmigo. Hoy en día, hago quehaceres de la casa sola y no hay nadie con quien hablar o a quien escuchar. Extraño lavar platos o limpiar el piso mientras escucho conversaciones y risas, o tener chicas que me preguntan de buenas ganas cómo pueden ayudarme, o cuando están cómodas en el silencio mientras esperan a que termine.

Conclusión: Ellos fueron una fuente de bendición a mí por venir y compartir, por abrirse conmigo, comer, cocinar, lavar los platos, sentarse en mis almohadones y mi cama, relajarse, llorar, y reír. Ellos compartieron partes de sus preciosas vidas conmigo, y para siempre estaré agradecida y humilde por haber tenido tanta gente maravillosa en mi hogar.

2014-2016 방명벽_Page_1

2014-2016 방명벽_Page_3
I made a Visitor’s Wall and it was fun to see what people wrote. We had gotten up to four pages of these. Some messages were for my roommates. / Había hecho una Pared de Visitas y fue divertido ver que escribía la gente. Tuvimos hasta cuatro páginas de esto. Algunos mensajes eran para mis compañeras de piso.

On Cleaning

Last year, during my English Communication class, the boys and girls started a heated debate.

The topic? Showering.

It started when a girl claimed that girls liked to put on make-up, dress nicely, and be clean just for the sake of looking nice; not for the sake of someone else.

A boy proclaimed that was false. He introduced a hypothetical scene: It’s a long weekend. You don’t need to go out to meet anyone. Will you shower? Will you put on make up?

The girl defiantly replied: Of course! I will shower every day even if I don’t go out, and don make up on for myself.

The boy kept arguing that unless you have to go out, there is no need for showering every day.

Since both sides weren’t going anywhere, in a desperate attempt for support, the girl looked at me and asked, “Profe Eli, would you shower in that scenario?”

I looked at her hopeful eyes and said honestly, “No. I hate showering.”

The whole class roared with laughter; including myself.

If you know me well, you know I hate showering. It’s not so much the act of showering that I hate, but getting up enough guts to go to the bathroom. I had a housemate who lovingly made a post-it that said ‘Shower for Jesus!’ which I pasted on my journal. Great reminder.

But it’s not like I’m an overall nasty, dirty person. There is certain dirtiness that I enjoy getting rid of: mold. Because I mind mold so much, I have been an avid bathroom cleaner and ventilation advocate. I throw food trash diligently so that it doesn’t smell or mold, open windows to let the air in constantly, and use a lot of bleach-based liquids to clean every corner of the bathroom (especially the drain).

However, I rarely clean things like the top of furniture, where a lot of dust gathers, am an average floor sweeper, and rarely mop my floors. The truth is, I don’t think anyone can keep themselves and their house c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y clean. All Cleaners have a blind spot and a forte. Everyone has what we shall call a Cleaning Personality. My cleaning personality is anti-mold. With everything else, I am pretty liberal.

Thus, in cleaning terms, my kryptonite is showering, I am a Superman against mold, and I am unmindful about dust gathering.

Since all of us have different cleaning personalities, we might be super clean in certain areas while neglectful of others. So we end up having clean selves or homes in certain aspects and dirty ones in other aspects.

Spiritually speaking, we might notice some people haven’t cleaned up their ‘mold’, and judge them for not being a true/good Christian. Instead of judging, it is better if we get down on our knees to serve them in their weak area, which for us might be a strength. And while we are on our knees, we might notice an area in their home that is squeaky clean. Then, we can ask them to teach us to clean that part of our homes as well, as we will realize that had been a weak spot for us.

I will forever need someone next to me who encourages me to take showers. And spiritually, I will forever need someone/something to keep me accountable on my judging tendencies. I can help people notice and clean out mold as a mold-removal-enthusiast. And spiritually, I can help people with discernment through my logical and analytical thinking skills. And just as I don’t notice dust to be something dirty, I would appreciate someone helping me notice the dusty areas of my home. In a similar way, through many different Feeling friends, I appreciate learning to get in touch with my emotions and the emotions of others.

Ah, cleaning. So many thoughts have sprung from this mundane word and action.

Why I am Back in Argentina

Throughout 2017, numerous people kept asking me why I was back and how long I was going to stay in Argentina. I would tell them I wasn’t sure how long I would be here because it would depend on God and tell them I was back “because God called me back”. With this reply, I usually got three types of reactions:

  1. They look at me expecting a longer answer; a more ‘plausible’ reason.
  2. They look at me like I’m telling them the most impractical answer in the world
  3. They say something along the lines of “Right… so you came back to get settled with the family and to get married!”

*face palm*

It seems like my answer is too broad and non-satisfactory to most people. The thing is, that there’s no other logical explanation as to why I came back other than a strong conviction that this was God’s will.

I left a stable job where I was loved and respected, my circles of intimate friends, a rent that was getting cheaper by the year, the only church I ever felt I belonged to, and threw or gave more than half of my belongings. I had seriously no logical reason for leaving. But I did leave. All of this because of the assurance that God was telling me to pack up and leave. I’m pretty sure that had I ignored that small voice, I wasn’t going to be struck dead by lightning, but I just know it was kairos time to leave. It’s funny I have this assurance because there are so many days when I miss my independence, diversity of fellowship and ministry, and so much more.

The assurance that I left in kairos timing came not because everything is great here in Argentina, but because I am experiencing a complete desert here, and in this desert, God is teaching me to depend on Him for my daily manna and quail (many people say ‘manna’ only… but I cannot leave quail out as a meat lover. ahem).

IMG_7877 (2).JPG
Back in the land of the cows for a year already!

애매하다

한국어로만 이해 있는 단어가 있다: 애매함. 애매하다는 표현은 인생을 완벽하게 표현한다. 애매하다는 것은 이것도 아니고 저것도 아니라는 뜻이다.

 

나는 애매한 한국사람

나는 애매한 아르헨티나 사람

나는 애해하게 파라과이에서 잘았고

나는 애매하게 국제학교를 다녔고

나는 애매하게 학교를 10 이상 옮겨 다녔고

나는 애매하게 이사를 19 이상 다녔고

나는 애매하게 9개의 교회를 다녀봤고

 

애매하게 전공을 졸업하고

애매하게 전공과 관련 것들을 듯한 .

애매하게 취직 됐고

애매하게 직장을 그만 뒀고

애매하게 HIS에서 파트타임으로 일하다가

애매하게 HIS에서 풀타임으로 일하게 됐고

애매하게 아르헨티나로 돌아왔고

애매하게 몸이 좋다가

애매하게 몸이 건강해지고 있다.

 

삶에 많은 것들은 애매하지만 한가지는 애매하지 않아지고 있다.

그것은 하나님을 향한 나의 믿음이다.

 

살다 보니 나도 믿을만한 사람이 아니고 아무리 좋은 친구들과 가족이 있어도 누구든지 하나님만큼 듬직하지 않다는 것을 발견하고 있다.

 

하나님만은 애매하지 않으셨고 하나님의 음성을 더욱 들으려고 가만히 있으면 하나님의 신실하시고 아름다운 뚜렷함이 보이고 들린다. 하지만 하나님이 너무 아름다워지고 너무나도 가까워질 나도 모르게 하나님과의 관계를 애매하게 만들려고 한다. 애매함에 익숙한 나는 하나님의 음성을 대충 듣고 대충 이해하는 하고 싶다. 하나님의 진정한 음성을 들으면 다시 죄성에 빠질만한 변명이 없어져서 그런 건가?

내가 아는 패턴은 어느 정도의 불행함과 불안감이 있는 건데 하나님이 주시는 자유와 행복은 너무 보이고 불가능할 같아서… 하나님께로 가까이 갔을 떼 모습이 너무나도 비참하고 싫어질까 봐… 애매하게 살려고 하나님의 음성을 애매하게 들으려고 한다.

 

생각해보면 이런 생각을 한다는 자체가 나는 정말 하나님을 모른다는 뜻이다. 하나님은 사랑이시며 진실이시며 아낌 없이 자기 자신을 우리에게 선물 하신 분이다. .. 하나님의 사랑은 신비롭다. 이런 분이 나를 사랑하고 기다려주고 있으니 애매함에서 벗어나 애매하지 않은 분을 향해 나아가고 싶다. 나아갈 거다.

 

 

Ordinarily Extraordinary Life

Ever since I can remember, I had ‘adventure phobia’. I wanted to be as ordinary as I could be. I didn’t want any excitement in my life, and having a secondary-character kind of life was my life goal. Long story short, when I unexpectedly went to college in Korea, God met me relationally, and I realized that if I was going to follow Jesus, I had to let go of my Ordinary Life Idol. I reluctantly let go of it, and the last eight years have been quite the dramatic first-character kind of adventure (like a soap opera, it includes dramatic airport meetings, coincidences that are too great and numerous to believe, divorced and remarried parents, the list goes on).

Now that I find myself back in Argentina, with no clear plans or leads from God, I am struggling with being here because everything is so ordinary. So far, God led me in a “wow, that’s really cool” way, and I came to expect this same pattern again: more adventure! So when that didn’t happen and is still not happening, I thought I must have misheard or done something wrong. Now, after seven months in Argentina, I am finally getting the hang of what this ‘next adventure’ is about. This time, it seems as though God wants to whisper something to me. And I hope I have ears to listen.

Since letting go of the Ordinary Life Idol, I subconsciously built an I-Need-to-be-Extraordinary Idol. It meant I wanted to be extraordinary not in terms of money or fame, but in Kingdom of God stuff. And somehow, I started defining “Kingdom of God stuff” as the visible and famous Christians’ deeds.

I thought my calling had to be as significant as the Bible’s “main” characters or as the current Christian celebrities: Joseph, David, Paul, Katie Davis, Francis Chan, etc. I am literal to a fault, which means that if someone tells me “Paul was a great apostle. Be like Paul”, I literally start thinking that in order for me to be of any use in the Kingdom of God, I need to have some dramatic sort of suffering like Paul did and be as theologically eloquent as he was, and make some kind of mark that can be recorded in a modern-day Christian book. When I read about Francis Chan talking to ex-convicts, who go on to become pastors themselves, I ache terribly to do such awesome things as he does. So I compare their deeds and results to mine. Thus, I feel like I’m not doing something clearly significant or meaningful for Him as they are doing, and that I need to ‘push myself’ more to be like them.

Knowing these dramatic stories, I am dissatisfied as I see myself in a hiatus year where my health is slowly recovering, and I don’t do much except for hanging out with my family. I want to get past the little annoyances that happen every day as I live with them; I want to be useful and bright in something that is ‘tangibly’ Kingdom of God centered (for example, feeding and evangelizing the poor, the orphans, and the widows).

Then one day it hit me: my calling as a Christian could be to be as “insignificant” as the servant who accompanied Saul to look for his lost donkeys, or as the widow that gave Elijah room and board along with some food, or the widow that Jesus saw giving all her money as an offering unto the Lord.

I realized that the disconnection between what God has called me to do and the focus I am giving to the outer appearance of things is great. While it is true that people like David and Francis Chan are people of God, just because my track record as a Christian isn’t newspaper material, it doesn’t make me more or less of a Christian. Now, I don’t want this to be an excuse for me to never do anything bold for God. The widow who gave food to Elijah was bold because that was all the food she had left! Like her, I hope and pray I will be ready to do that bold thing God calls me to do at whichever season in my life!

But that’s the point: it is God who decides what, when, and where. I don’t get to choose and plan out the grandiose thing I will do for God. God determines how I will serve Him; what my calling is. And that something can be as great as defeating a giant with a stone or as small as giving bread to a hungry prophet.

I might not do something or be someone grandiose in this life, and my Christian walk is not meant to focus on that. Perhaps I will directly, with my own mouth, preach the gospel and have many people convert thanks to my direct words. But perhaps I might never see one person convert because of my speech. Whether people convert or not is not up to me, but to God. It is my duty to be faithful and proclaim the gospel wherever I am, but it is not in my power to convert them.

The real glory, and the real battle is in the unseen. How come Saul’s servant knew so much about how to find Samuel and who he was? How come the widow had enough faith to not reject Elijah, though she had barely any food left and he was wanted dead by the queen of Israel? And how did the widow Jesus mentioned have enough love and faith to give up her entire possession as an offering unto God? I am sure these nameless, background Bible characters knew God. And I’m sure they led extremely ordinary lives. And they were willing and prepared to do the small yet big actions of faith required of them at the right time.

Wherever I am put by God, my calling is to be holy (set apart), and to love sincerely as I serve others. I can happily be all of this in whatever circumstance God allows as long as He’s with me. And funnily enough, as I am learning to live by these principles, I see the Holy Spirit giving me boldness to keep quiet at times, to be patient and kind, and to love in a way that I know it is not from me but from God. I am learning to live an Ordinarily Extraordinary life, and it is quite the adventure.

 

IMG_2237-1-2.jpg